Dear Rain,

I make a great stew that I’ve become known for with friends and family. After years of bringing it to family events, my mother-in-law was able to duplicate it. Now she’s started bringing my recipe to get-togethers (and reaping the compliments.) How do I reclaim my tradition without driving a wedge between me and my mother-in-law?

Dear Reader,

I love that you have a recipe that is so adored by your family and friends! You seem to have a deep family connection and you respect your mother-in-law enough to want to keep a peaceful relationship. What a wonderful challenge! We all seem to come to a point in our lives when we ask, is it better to be authentic or just be polite? Not an easy question for a lot of us. Something is stewing here and it is not just the food!

Let’s break this into two parts: First, looking closer at your question and second, looking into possible solutions. You said a lot of powerful words in your question: “reaping the compliments,” “reclaim my tradition” and finally “driving a wedge.” Looking closely at each one might find some answers for you.

First, let’s start with reaping the compliments. Your words are giving you a sense of being ripped off as she is harvesting food from your compliment garden.  Shifting your perception and your words might help you find a possible solution. Here are a few ways to explain the situation that are all valid:

“She’s reaping all the compliments!”  You are upset about her offense and believe she is someone who is truly thoughtless or devious. In this case, you might try to let go of your anger while you explain to her, “This is my favorite recipe for get-togethers and I would appreciate you finding another recipe.”

“The stew gets compliments.”  You are neutral about the whole thing.  Realize the food is just good, no matter who makes it and that it was bound to be created by someone else.  Find a new recipe to bring.   Decide to not say anything to her as one day over time, it may not be the issue it is today and all will be forgotten.

“She’s giving me a huge compliment!” You are thrilled she would want to clone your stew. Give her a heart-felt congratulations for creating such a close duplication of your stew and tell her you are honored she would want to copy your recipe. You might want to tell her how much you would like to swap other recipes with her, and make a plan to get together and do that over coffee! Through your joy, you are grateful she is receiving the same compliments she has given you.

If you could only choose one, which perception would you want?

Second, let’s look at reclaiming your tradition. When I hear the word tradition I know there are deep feelings at play. Tradition is a powerful word connecting us with family and the continuum of life. Etymology Online defines it as, handed down from generation to generation, but that is the current definition. Originally it meant delivery, surrender, a handing down. I love that surrender is a part of the definition. The word tradition has the same root as the word trade.  I understand you want to reclaim your tradition. Do you know why? Is there something else going on? Does this happen in other ways in your relationship with her? On the other hand, maybe she needs your stew. After all, it’s not a bad trade if you think about her precious creation she handed down to you (her son.)

Finally let’s inquire about driving a wedge. Question the thought that telling her the truth, even in a loving way, could drive a wedge between you. Do you believe this is true? Do you think you have given her enough credit?  It is possible that she might understand.  What could you do to create a connection, instead of drive a wedge, with your honesty?

Now here are three positive ways to live an authentic life, without just stewing in phony politeness:

1. You can talk to her. I believe communicating with words is the fastest, though I understand not necessarily the easiest, way to connect with her about your feelings. Make it easier by starting with your heart’s intention. You may say, “I noticed that you have been bringing a stew like mine to our gatherings lately. I love bringing this recipe to our family gatherings, it would really mean a lot to me if you shared it at get-togethers I don’t attend. Would that work for you?”
2. You can see it as a challenge. How long have you been making this stew? Are you ready for a change? This could be your opportunity to create something new and different. Take some time to go to the bookstore or online and look at some fun new recipes. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is try to get even more compliments with your new recipe!
3. You can continue to make the stew. The fact is we can only control what we do. There is nothing wrong with deciding to continue to make your stew. If you love making it, bringing it, serving it and eating it, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. If it really is a big hit, most folks would be glad to have plenty of extra, and maybe you can find a fun way to send some home with each guest. After awhile, she may realize that you will always bring your stew and decide not to.

It’s up to you to decide what feels most like your authentic self. Meanwhile, dig in and send that recipe to me!

smiles and inspiration!

Rain