Living peacefully with those you love, doesn't mean you don't need a place of your own.

I remember clearly moving into my own place for the first time. I had been living with roommates for most of my life and most of them, at one time or another, seemed to cause me grief. My first roommate was my sister and we had very different ideas about how to share our space. When I left home, living with roommates continued to not work out too well for me. They were either too neat or too messy. They were either home too much or never home to pay the rent. Too loud, too quiet, ate my food, never shared theirs and I was done. I told myself it was time for me to live alone.

What I was really doing was crying out for space. Rain’s Space. I often dreamed about what Rain’s Space would look like. Shortly after I turned 23, the opportunity finally came for me to try out living on my own. I had rented my own place, and I was in absolute heaven! I had bright colored scarves on the walls and ceilings. A collection of tiny mirrors emerged over time all over my walls. I didn’t have to ask anyone’s permission or opinion to hang something up, I decorated for my heart and spirit. I have to say, the best part about it was the peaceful environment. If I was messy, no one complained. If I was neat, no one made it messy. Silence was golden. I was able to listen to the silence and better yet disrupt it by singing out loud and dancing along with the music I enjoyed, without a minute’s thought towhether I was disturbing anyone. No one woke me up when I would go to bed early or wanted to take a nap and I never woke anyone up if I wanted stay up late or wake up at 4AM.

I delighted in this private space for a couple of years before I met my husband. He is the embodiment of all my past roommates, with the exception that I love him and his cuteness tends to soften my previous judgments. However after a long time of living with someone who stays up late, wakes up late, is too neat, except when he is too messy, is never there, except lately when he is home too much and his music? Well, I had better not get into his music right now. The difference is, however, sharing my life and home with him is my happy reality, and I cannot change who he is, nor do I want to… most of the time.

How does someone live a centered and peaceful environment while sharing a conflicting living style with their roommate? This has been the question that I was honestly unable to answer in most of the 12 years I have spent living with him. To add to the confusion, we also created a couple of very cute, long term, though only temporary roommates, who are adding their own styles into the mix. Most of their style is loud, extremely messy and involves my nearly constant attention. How does one find quiet peacefulness in an environment shared closely with others? The answer finally came to me and I was amazed at its simplicity.

Start with a smile. A smile with the knowing that what is… (the opportunity to share your life with another) is what is. A calming deep breath seems to turn down the volume on even the loudest room and the worst kind of music. Noticing that the present moment is a gift helps you find order on the messiest floor. Smiling, breathing and being present are wonderful ways to start on your journey for your authentic space. Clear minds are breeding grounds for creative solutions to create spaces where we all are at peace.

Sometimes when we are playing the role of partner, mother and the nice roommate, we tend to give up what we would really like for the sake of those we live with. We feel we do this out of kindness, and yet the time comes when we need to refill our own cup. When we deny ourselves a space for how we would like live, we deny the opportunity for our roommates to get to know our true selves, as well. Today, let’s create your ideal authentic space. Start by taking a minute to write down a list of the home environment of your dreams. My list looks like this:

• Bright colored fabric or artwork on the walls
• Go to bed early most nights
• Wake up early and relish the quiet mornings
• Sing out loud and dance with my favorite music
• Soft colorful pillows and blankets to snuggle up with out and available
• Fresh, organic food from the farmer’s market in the refrigerator
• Deep cleaning done, though just enough of a mess to show that creativity lives here
• Long periods in a peaceful and quiet environment

Start by looking at one item that you are drawn to the most, such as wanting a quiet and peaceful environment. Tell your roommates that you have decided that you need a reasonable amount of time of quiet in the home for your wellbeing. Together you might create a schedule that will work for both of you where you get 30 minutes to an hour of quiet. If you have children, this is an opportunity for a more creative solution. Even if you are still breast-feeding, it is possible to find time for quiet solitude. Let go of it can’t happen and think how can it happen. Write down as many solutions as you can, as you may need to use different strategies at different times to reach your goal.

If there is opposition by your roommate to honor your request just smile, be present and breathe. Thank them for their honesty. Love them for who they are and the journey they are on. Find out what lesson is being brought to you by this person you share your space with. Do you choose to let go of your desire and let your roommate decide? Do you drop or belittle your wishes to repress a possible conflict? Do you use this as an opportunity for conflict with your roommate? If you have been lacking the expression of your personal space, and believe it will energize your spirit, what is really stopping you from creating that space? What would be the worst thing that could happen if you asked for all the items on your list? What would be the best thing if you asked for two or three? Don’t leave your partner or roommate out of the loop while you are answering these questions. Have them sit with you, if they are willing, and be honest right in their presence without asking anything of them or blaming your frustrations on them. Let honesty bring your creative minds together.

Once you have finished sorting out your thoughts and ideas with your roommate, you may notice a shift in understanding and acceptance. However, if nothing changes in your roommate’s mind, it doesn’t stop you from moving forward with your list. Courage is waiting for you when you want it. Your journey is sacred and if you can courageously follow where your spirit leads, you will see your authentic path clearly in front of you. Explain the importance of your decision, for example: “I am glad we spoke of my needing quiet time, I plan to take the time to be in silence today for a half hour at 5PM, does that work for you?” If not, give them three alternative times and then you may need to take a stand on the one you think will work best. Remember, each decision you make toward your authentic space, whether it brings peace or conflict from your roommate, will bring you closer to your own truth and further away from living in denial. Don’t focus on approval from others, focus on your allowing your spirit to shine through. Open yourself up to your roommates and allow them to see your questioning and changing spirit.

As I write this in the early hours of the morning, while my roommate is still asleep, I smile and breathe deep. These days, if my husband asks in a concerned tone if I was up at four in the morning, I smile confidently and reply, “Yes, and it was wonderful!” I connect with my spirit knowing the personal space I longed for all those years was always waiting for me. I just needed to allow myself to have it.

Copyright 2008 by Rain Fordyce

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