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When Parents Come to Visit

When you live in a different state than the rest of your family, and visitors come to live with you for a week or more, are you excited or stressed?

We moved out of state 11 years ago, and while having experienced numerous visitors, we have also experienced a life that is relatively easy and quiet being only centered around my husband and children. It is easy to get comfortable with a life that is unattached from having family around and the busy life that goes with it. When family comes to visit for a week, staying with us in our home or nearby in a hotel, life can turn upside down. When those visitors are your parents, it can turn your internal life upside down, too.

When you know they are coming, all kinds of thoughts may run through your mind. You might want the house spotless. You might want to make sure that the activities are set up, know where you are going out to dinner, or what meals you would like to cook. Another thought going through your mind is, “It’s only a week, I can make it, I can survive a week.” Maybe from past experiences, you believe the visit will be stressful and something you have to survive through. When you are in survive mode, your life doesn't feel fun, joyous or easy. When family comes to visit this summer, you might want to try a new way of connecting to the visit, creating new more positive memories.

Let’s just see if we can create a new thought. Clear your mind with a few deep belly breaths, and we can look at our true intentions for the visit. Ask yourself, if you could have any kind of relationship with your parents, what would it be and what would it look like? Would you choose ideas such as, connected, positive, and openly loving? Do you have any other ideas such as fun, easy and relaxed? Take some time and write the ideas of what you want down on paper. Now, without judgment, write down what you believe is stopping you from enjoying the kind of relationship you desire from your parents. This may come out of you fast, as you have been waiting for an opportunity to say what is on your mind, or maybe you have to allow yourself to sit with the question, and let the feelings and ideas come up from your heart over many days. Don’t force the answers to come, let the authentic You speak.

Once you have your beliefs written down, look at why you think you don’t have the relationship you want with your parents. Look at each statement separately and ask yourself these questions that are from “The Work” of Byron Katie.
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How does it make you feel and how do you act when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be and how would you treat your parents without that thought?

Here is an example of my work on one belief that I once had of why I couldn’t be close to my parents the way I wanted.
“They don’t accept my lifestyle.”
Is it true? “It feels true.”
Can I absolutely know for sure that it is true? “No.”
How does that make me feel when I believe that thought? “It makes me feel sad and angry that they don’t accept who I am. I feel stressed when I have to defend our lifestyle. I feel nervous about them saying something that creates doubt in the way I live, so I work very hard to make my life seem wonderful.”
Who would you be and how would you treat your parents without the thought? “I would allow myself to relax around them and tell them more about my whole life, not just the great parts. I would treat them with more respect for their choices, that are different than mine, and we would be closer.”

Now at the end of these questions Katie, as she is often called, asks a turnaround. A turnaround creates the opportunity to look at these beliefs from different perspectives. You reverse the people in the sentences so it states a new thought. Try it a few different ways until you feel you have found something possibly true. When you say your turnaround, try to find three ways that the statement might be true.

My turnaround from "My parents don't accept my lifestyle" was “I don’t accept my parent's lifestyle.” This was true because I often felt like they couldn’t understand how wonderful and easy life could be, because I felt they were stuck in their old behaviors and ways. It was true because I expected them to act in a way they did not. It was true because I felt stressed about having their "lifestyle" spend extended time with mine.

Another turnaround is "My parents do accept my lifestyle," this statement is powerful, as I realized, when I became very honest, that my parents try very hard to understand the decisions my family makes, even when it is so different than the choices they made in their lives. It is true as they ask many questions about our choices. They don't push away from us and actually have always made the commitment to stay close and connected to us, even when we live so far away.

The last turnaround is "I don't accept my lifestyle." This was true as I had no confidence in it around my parents. I allowed their curious questions to doubt our choices, instead of seeing them as honest inquiry. Having this confidence allows others in, without fear.

This work dramatically changed the relationship with my parents and helped me to realize we both had to be curious and learn from each other. It was wonderful to see how this understanding created the capacity for me to be easier on them and easier on myself. I could actually just enjoy the time we had to spend together. When I felt they were criticizing me or my life, I remembered to listen to what they were really saying which was, “I want to make sure you are okay, so that I can feel good about my job as your parent, our life and our choices.” The truth is I also want to make sure they feel loved around my family, so that I can feel good as their child about my life and my choices.

Next time your parents or other family members are planning a visit, remember that what you might be stressing about and what you might be fearing, could just be a belief you haven’t fully thought through.

After all, it may not even be true.

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