Dear Rain,

My family and I are moving in with our in-laws within the next few months. I grew up in a single-parent family, without a dad, and I am very nervous moving into a house with a father figure. I don't know how I'm supposed to behave or act yet I'm scared to talk to them about it, because I'm afraid of what they will think. I've only met my in-laws once and now we are moving into their house. I still have resentment for my father, that doesn't help, and I have no idea what to do.

Dear Reader,

Going through transitions are an opportunity to question, reevaluate, and prioritize your lifestyle. When that transition includes asking others to help you through challenging times, you might feel confused by the extra stress. When those others are people you barely know, you may start to feel confused, uncomfortable and stressed. That is a lot to take!

The first thing I always advise for clients in transitions is to take better care of themselves. Remember to sleep more, eat better, get regular exercise and make sure you have a spiritual practice (meditation, yoga, breathing, dancing, etc.) These daily small steps will help you keep a clear head and a happier heart. Now, let’s look at a few of your challenges

First challenge: When you must depend on others, you might possibly be feeling shame in having to rely on someone else, besides yourself. The fact is, life happens, and not just to your family, but to everyone at some point. It’s what you do with your life now that will make all the difference. There have been many very wealthy individuals who had been bankrupt at sometime, or started with nothing. It's important to remember to take charge of your life. And that you CAN take charge of your life! Make goals and a deadline to meet them. Take daily and weekly steps towards your plan to once again be on your own. Knowing that you are always doing your best will help you keep your confidence. Remember, you can only do, what you can do right now in this moment.

Second challenge: Moving into someone else’s home with their rules and lifestyle is an opportunity to grow. What you can learn is what your basic wants are. How much do you want to be alone? What do you want to do to create connection with the people you share your life with? What family traditions and style are the most important for you to hold on to? You said you didn’t know how to act. Try spending the first week observing your in-laws and see how they act, work and live. Notice what they like as far as cleanliness, and when they like to eat meals. Notice if they tend to nap or read at certain times and if they have a regular time away from the home. You want to try to blend into their life, not take it over. Having a family can be messy and loud, something they are not going to be used to. Help them continue to find joy in their opportunity to get to know you and your children in a way they never would have before (is that not why they offered their home to you?) You might say to them when something fun happens with your kids, “Isn’t it wonderful we were here and you were able to be a part of this?” Use what you have learned from your observations of them to create opportunities to learn, such as teaching your kids everyone has their own level of clean. You might learn to use their quiet times as your time to go to the park, and their times away from the house as a great time to be loud and messy with your kids! It will be a balancing act, until you are used to the flow.

Third Challenge: So you feel like you are not sure about how to act around a father figure. It’s true “father” is a role men play, but he can’t play it if you are not receptive to it. On the other hand, are you looking for a father figure? Do you know what you might want from this relationship? I would spend some time really getting in touch with your feelings, thoughts, expectations and hopes with getting to know him. Don’t judge your answers and allow yourself to really get honest. The fact that you still have resentment towards your own father tells me that clearing work needs to be done. I highly recommend you take the time to do that before you move in. There are a lot of different tools out there to help you let go of this feeling, The Work by Byron Katie, Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) by Gary Craig and make sure you read the new Peace Treaty article under Mind. I encourage you to look into these strategies to help you clear out old stories and emotions, make peace with them and move into your new life. You may want to hire a coach or therapist to help and encourage your strengths through this process.

Remember to be your authentic self. They could very well love having a daughter like you in their lives and bend over backwards to share their lives with you and your children. If they do not, remember what you could gain from this time in your life: the cleansing of old resentments, the power that you know you can always get back up on your feet, what is most important for you and your family and the balancing act of living with roommates. And that sounds like a golden opportunity to me!

smiles and inspiration!

Rain

Copyright 2008 by Rain Fordyce Send this Article To a Friend