 |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |
by Rain Fordyce
I was speaking to
friends about our tree this year.
I was telling them about our tree and how it has become a special place for our
memories. Since my husband and I had our first tree in 1996, we have been buying
a new ornament each year that symbolized a big event for that year and we have
continued this tradition every year, ever since. We have an ornament for our
marriage, our babies, our first house, the towns we have moved to, and our fun
vacations. This year we have been looking for a fishing boat ornament to remind
us of this year’s big purchase.
We also have ornaments for each of the kids marking milestones of their lives.
They have first ornaments, first words, trips, ice cream, chess, cars,
elephants and lots of other representations of what they loved at different
ages. This year we got them each a penguin because of their love of an online penguin
computer game.
As we hang our ornaments every year, we remember back. This year there were so
many. They opened a lot of conversations
as we remembered back to those years in our lives. I really didn't think much
about what I was creating when I started this idea 12 years ago, and yet this
tradition has created quite an emotional stir in all of us. It's not just any
tree, it is our Memory Tree.
The responses from some friends, however, were quite different from the love I
was feeling about putting up our Memory Tree. Comments like "tree in a body bag,"
"tree in a box" and "no tree at all" were confessed with
sarcasm. I honor the values of others
and I understand the holidays are not always the cherished memories some advertisers
would want us to believe. However, their
comments sparked my curiosity. What is
it about this holiday tree that creates these kinds of responses?
The answer came in the nature of forced traditions gone wild. There is an energy of feeling rushed, pushed
and obligated for so many trying to keep up with traditions of holidays past. No
one wants to do anything they feel they have to do. It is never fun and zaps the inspiration out
of the season. I should know. My husband
has suffered greatly from Holiday Have-tos.
He has never found much joy in the rituals of the season. He once told me he
was allergic to evergreen trees brought into the home. Believe it or not, with
my great love of my holiday tree, I actually thought (momentarily) of breaking
up with him! How could this be? Who
could resist the smell and the beauty of the holiday tree? He could.
He didn't even enjoy finding the tree. Before we met, I used
to spend days shopping for the perfect tree. Not wanting the special occasion
to end, I would shop around, take a look at each and every one. This kind of
lingering and looking was torture for my husband! He couldn’t understand why I made the process
so much longer than was necessary. Over
the years, we spent finding our tree with me jumping for joy while he was
dragging his feet.
After many not-so treasured moments, I finally realized he was never going to
love the have-tos of the holiday tree. So
I gave up. It has been 2 years since I
gave up. I remember how I sat down and
told him I was done being the holiday dictator.
I wanted to find a holiday season we could all be excited about. This inspired a new view point:
"Do only what you LOVE for the holidays."
This new idea changed everything. It
meant you didn't have to be involved
in anything that didn't bring you joy. It meant freedom. The first year, I didn't know if he would
come with us to get the tree. I didn't
know if he would put up the lights on the house. I didn't know if he would show up to events in
town, or if he would participate at all.
I had a lot to let go of. The creation of the perfect holiday wasn't for him
anyway, it was for me and my children. If I wanted a truly authentic holiday
experience, I knew the stress had to disappear from what should be fun. I was now in charge to do the tree, the
cookies, the presents, the walks in the cold with hot chocolate waiting at the
end. I had to be the one to create those experiences, if I felt I loved them
enough to make it happen. I wanted to
live by the new idea, too. I realized
just about everything was important enough for me to make it happen. Some traditions didn’t make my list of what I
LOVE to do. Putting the lights on the
house was one of them.
Curiously enough, instead of holiday disaster, we found our first year enjoying
the real magic of the season. Once I
took away the Holiday Have-tos, my husband realized he actually loved being a
part of these events, as long as no one said he had-to do them. One day, he
surprised me with the gift of lights on the house. He also happily showed up to the library
celebration and he even had fun helping make some treats with me and the kids. My husband’s frustrations with Holiday Have-tos
actually helped us realize what is truly important. By listening to what wasn’t working, we now
have the gift of knowing we are all creating a holiday that means something to
everyone in our family.
This year, we are enjoying our second year of freedom. Our lights aren't up, though there has been
talk of them going up. The tree was bought, but we waited 4 days to decorate it. This is a different pace from what it used to
be and I am happy to wait. I am waiting for the inspiration to come to all of
us. If it doesn't come for all of us, I might find myself making it happen on
my own, for my own joyful fun!
What really makes a difference in the memories we have, are the choices we make
when the memory is made. That is why this year's Memory tree is so full of
love.
by Rain Fordyce
Copyright 2008 by Rain Fordyce