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Dear Rain,
I've changed an awful lot in the three years since I became a mom. How do I reconcile who I am with the person I used to be? I often miss her.
Dear Reader,
Becoming a mom is no little matter. It is a huge life change, lifestyle change,
life-altering change. It’s easy to see
why. Before you became a mom, your
greatest concern for safety was yourself.
Your greatest worry was for yourself and whoever may be creating a huge
amount of stress in your life was easily dismissed.
The minute you got pregnant it was no longer about the
safety of you, worries about you, and the person creating discomfort in your
life was not so easily dismissed.
This perception shift is huge because the shift lasts
forever. Even when the kids are grown
and gone with kids of their own, they will forever be one of our greatest
concerns. I can only think this is
because they depend on us for so long.
In fact, most of us struggle with letting go of this dependence.
I love the way you worded your question and I have to confess. One of my favorite ways to answer a question is to look at the definition of what someone is truly asking. Somehow within the words we use, there always seems to be an answer.
The Miriam Webster dictionary online defines reconcile as:
1:
to restore to friendship or harmony; to settle or resolve
differences
2:
to make consistent or congruous an ideal with reality
3:
to cause to submit to or accept something unpleasant
4:
to check (a financial account) against another for accuracy or
to account for
So, you would like to reconcile who you are now with who
used to be. As I look at the definitions
to the word reconcile, number one suggests that you restore harmony to resolve
the differences between the old you and the new you. So what are the differences between the old you
and the new you? Only you can answer
that. I suggest you make a list. On that list what differences do you wish to
see again in yourself? For each trait
you want to enhance into your life again write down three ways you can express that
part of the old you. Then practice
expressing that trait.
The second definition is interesting as it suggests that one
is only an ideal and the other is reality.
Is that true? Could it be that who
you think you were is actually an ideal, a memory or romantic way you are looking
back upon your past? Take some time and
inquire deeper if who you were is really who you want to be or if you are just
looking for a break and vacation from your current day to day challenges of
being a mom.
I’m sure
you have felt definition number three was true during sleepless nights, screaming
children, exploding diapers and dreams of alone time. Having to submit or accept something that is
unpleasant is not how I would describe motherhood. I doubt very much as I read the lighthearted
energy of your question this is how you feel. And although it may bring laughter and fun, I’m going
to go ahead and skip over this one.
At first
glance definition number four doesn’t seem to make sense regarding this
question. But upon closer introspection
I realized that this may be the definition with the most profound answer. Let’s take a look further shall we?
Let’s check the old you against the new you for accuracy. I like to think of financial or money as important life giving energy. So go back. Before you became a mom how would you account for the important life giving energy you created for yourself? What did you do to feel alive? How did you treat yourself when you needed some inspiration? Write it down your answers as a list. Create a second list, now with the current you as a mother. On this list I want you to check for accuracy in how you currently create the feeling of aliveness in you? How do you currently treat yourself when you need some inspiration?
As you look at these lists, what is different?
You might just find the reason you miss the old you is
because you’re not treating yourself with the same respect, love and devotion
as you use to. It’s so easy to do and
such a common issue with mothers to lose our self importance and to give it all
to our children. It is a natural
instinct and a hard one to reconcile.
However, now that you are asking the question you have awoken and are
ready to once again see the importance of YOU!
I encourage you to feel alive, to feel inspired and most of
all love yourself as the amazing woman you have become.
smiles and inspiration!
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her website:
Copyright 2009 by Rain Fordyce